First of all, i smudged myself and called in the powers of the full directions. I was surprised how loud i was and i was very much aware of what i wanted... i shouted practically!

having called everyone in, i stated my intention which was to journey for balance and healing

I then used the drumming CD to take myself on my journey.

I was surprised to find that i was staring straight at a keyhole and i had no idea how to get through it, coz i could see a land, like in arial view when looking into it.

I then became very small, and almost liquid in form, and went through the keyhole, and i was pleased with that. When i got thru the keyhole, i realised that there was a sheer drop below me. Rock face and cliffs. Where were the fields and lands? I looked to my right, i felt i was being pulled that way. There was Turtle and he told me to put a shell on, something to use as armour in the heart area. He then told me to go right, so i did. I was floating and realised i was in the upper world, ive only ever been there once before so i was surprised. I looked and saw the equivalent of a fairy castle which was pink and so i went down there. I saw the door and slid through it and inside where i saw myself snuggled on a bed with lots of pillows and lots of duvets - i was told i was protected.

I then saw my shamanic guide - Black Elk who told me he was pleased with me, and that i should evaluate my past, and look ahead to my future and remember to balance more and journey more.

Now that changes have occurred this will be easier to do.

I gave thanks, and sent the directions out also sent out healing energy to those in need.

It was really restful, i felt i really needed to do that. I feel calm and alot more grounded than i have done for ages. I can still feel Black Elk with me and this is a good thing.

i feel at peace.

oh wow when ever will i get a day when im totally left alone ? mind you i was left alone yesterday and it was very lonely so im just being a total drip!

see,the thing is, im spending this week licking my wounds which feel numerous!

so far, my mum has booked herself in for next tuesday which means i have to do heaps of housework coz she stares at everything and makes comments (and no, before you ask, i dont want her doing my housework!!!!!)

then theres paul, mailing me about spirit rescues etc. as far as im concerneed he coudl do them himself with no problem!!!! why oh why does he need me all the time to say yes paul, yes paul. GRRRR!!!!!

then theres my neighbour asking if i wanna do brekkies. I have been woken up at 7.30 either by paul or her or someone all week. today was my first lay in in 2 and a half months. and guess what? i woke up with food poisoning at 3am! i ate green bacon.

and now, oh joy of joy, paul is suggesting a rescue circle. oh yeah thats a great idea but it would be at my house and i do all the legwork of finding people etc.

i need a REST!!!!!!!!!!!!

then to add insult to injury. the girl who wanted to do her reiki 2 has changed the date now for the 4th time. there wont be a fith and i will be asking for a cancellation fee next time, coz its ruining my working week. not to mention im skint and i need the money!!!! GROAN. ok rant over.

i guess this means im feeling better! hahahaha!

Current Mood: annoyed

well, today is a good day. I got up, put money in the bank, got some more stuff back off paul (still ALOT more to come yet tho!) and he seems to have realised im so not going back. This is good.

The sun is out, so ive had all the windows wide open - something i coudlnt with with the cats here.

Ive been cleaning, and ive re done my alter, so the energies are better here, i feel as though spring is definatly in the air. I feel happy and things are cooler and i feel all settled and stuff. i feel cleansed tho i dont know why. As it is, i have yet to sage the room, but i will be doing that shortly.

:) its all good! oh and theres a new Dzine, with scrummy pix of Troy! lol!

first of all its a darrenversary! i first met Darren on this day in 2002! wooo!


ok heres my stars for the day,and how accurate they are!

Cheryl,
Idealizing the past could make you nostalgic, giving rise to tension about a current situation. You are more attracted now to creature comforts at home, but might be overly hard on yourself as you take steps to fulfill your needs. You are not just taking the easy way out by being kinder to yourself. You are also building a foundation for the big changes yet to come.

-----

well you know.. i saw him today. we had a spirit rescue to do. he found every excuse he could to touch me, or hold my hand. afterwards we went shopping coz he doesnt like shopping by himself (!!!!) so he bought me food too which was good of him (control, control) and he bought back some of my stuff, not much and all of it apart from my undies were of no real use. So ive asked for my clothes back. I also left his door key in his car, he doesnt appear to have noticed that yet.

when i said good bye, he held my face in both his hands and kissed me on the lips (holding me to make sure i dont get away) so, there you are. thats the news of the day. and no, im not going back to him.

hes not the one, his kisses dont make me melt. Thats always a good sign! ;)

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: madonna - hung up

more emails have passed. now ive just bascailly been told to go forth. he is hurt. im hurt.

Darren Hayes lyrics
"Darren Hayes Unlovable lyrics"

Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?

Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few
Stages of acceptance that it's really over
It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog
I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then
For just a moment I romanticised the notion
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)

well its the first saturday of total singledom and omg what a way to start it!

i had a lady knock at my door at around 7.30 and she was in a right state. She had nothing on her feet and didnt appear to be wearing very much . She said she had people in her house and they woudlnt go away and that she had been to the police but hadnt had any help. She was in a right mess, so i let her in, which perhaps wasnt such a good idea. I called the police to try to help sort it all out and then she refused to leave coz she wanted the police to search her house.

turns out the poor lady has mental problems. The police took her away and explained that shes not well. So, im sending her healing. I did text paul for some protection as its something he is very good at.

also i have spoken to him about this phone i have, which to be honest i dont want now coz it just reminds me of him whenever i see it. Im paying him for it coz i dont want to be beholden to him etc.

not that i can really afford to give him the 147.00 for the phone!!!!! I didnt want this one in the first place, i wanted the poppy phone but he always likes to go one better. Oh well thats all part of the fun i guess.

I do miss him, but theres not alot i can do about it. i feel very sad and like ive lost something, but hey , thats life! as ever! :(

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: hung up.

i find life very confusing i think.

one minute im blissfully happy and the next life goes tits up.

see what happened was this: i came to maidstone to go to a funeral and stuff, and it went wrong and i stayed over coz i was working in the evening and attending a funeral the next day becuase i missed the one the previous day. So, i was quite busy with one thing and another.

so, i didnt text him very much , tho he rung me and i rung him etc. but apparntly it wasnt enough and apparently i was meant to put kisses on the text and i didnt. So as a result, he told me i was obviously doing things i sholdnt have been.

and from that, im now single. he is just TOOO sensitive and insecure for me.

im so sad. i just dont know what do to. i never pick the right ones, and when i thought i had, this time, and i gave my all, it has just been thrown back at me. sob! XXXX C

well following on from yesterday... he got the dog to do as he is meant to so he pees and dumps outside where he should!

the cat came back and it terrorised the dog (bear in mind im not there!) and now he has put a cat flap in the garage door for the cat along with bedding and food. now, thats not fair but it is the cat from hell, its got a deathwish!

that all said he now tells me that he has work problems and he is on call. All of this is going on and im like, worrying that this is his way of saying he cant take me tonight. If he doesnt there will be hell to pay as he knew about this job AGES ago (like, at least 2 months ago) and i have alredy turned down a lift and i have to take miran home etc. It seems to me he is having a poor me thing at the mo. He always has to have something to complain about (ie i put my back out and he was like, arghh my feet hurt - what a prat!) anyway thats about it. miran and i went out for a burger. it took 30 mins to get our burgers so i am going to complain. thats hardly fast food now is it??!!!!!

thats all for now XXXX

so, right. all is going OK ... is it?

everything has been peachy till last night. I have to go to work tomorrow evening and the vice pres of the church rung asking if i needed a lift. So paul says no, ill do it. So i tell lynden no its ok. Then i get off the phone and he then says (paul this is) well it all depends on the dog coz we havnt left him alone yet! and im like eh??? i have to work! he then went into one, telling me that i have an attitude problem. He got up and moved. And he hasnt really spoken properly to me since, except for about the last 10 mins in the car coming to my house. I was made to feel like id done something wrong. I dont think so, coz its like this: i have to work. He got the dog so it would protect the house while he isnt there. so, whats the problem with going out since we now have a dog. Besides of which if he felt like that he should have let me get a lift. He was like, oh not sure we can do anything yet. I really need to know where i stand with this man. Im living in two houses and seriously risk eviction if im caught and he doesnt give a flying **** what happens!!!!!

so last night and today was abit frosty. Even tho i did ALL the cleaning and ironing before i left this morning (a miracle for me, btw)! nothing i do is ever right with this bloke unless im so submissive. I just dont know what is happening!!!! one min things are lovley then he goes into one just coz i point out i have to work!!!!! GRRRR. if he does this one more time thats IT. i would rather be alone than walk on eggshells!!!!!

well. what do you lot think? am i unreasonable????

XXXX C

oh yeah... PINK writing for the header. ive lost the link to the reply (HEDGEWYTCH) XXXXX please. pretty, pinky, please!

2nd day with dog.

Paulie out at work on a job thing, and its snowing like mad! still, its not that bad i gess coz at least he got where he was meant to be.

As for Doglet, yes he is fine but the cat isnt... id imagine its traumatised since last night the dog tried again to eat it. I think he belives its name is Lunch!!!!!

i put him out earlier today and i havnt seen him since (the cat, that is) its prolly residing in a neighbours house glad of the rest from the dog!

Dog fine, happy and cuddly. loves paul, hugs him and lays all over him. Gets in the way so i cant see Paul!

thats it for now.. BUT how come Hedgewytch manages such a cool LJ? TELL me how you did it? please? my journal is so.....PINK!!! ugh!

XXXX